Choose Your Mail Snail!
Choosing the right snail to make your delivery is SO important, so take your time.
You can also take the VERY OFFICIAL MAIL SNAIL MATCHING QUIZ by clicking these magical words that will transport you to the quiz location. #portals
Betty
Betty is a long-distance runner who makes her own sourdough and also makes others feel inadequate.
David
David is unreliable and has a drinking problem.
James
James lives in a tiny home he built himself and is in a long-term relationship with spreadsheets.
Linda
Linda has very few friends and is in seventeen different book clubs.
Chastity
Chastity spends her weekends working part-time at an adult store. She is a full-time hustler.
Emily
Emily’s career as an actress fell through, so now she pretends she is playing the role of “mail snail” to get through the day.
Percy
Percy has been removed from duty due to embezzlement.
If you had a delivery made by Percy, please let me know if any money or personal items went missing from your home around that time. You could be entitled to settlement benefits.
Catherine
Catherine loves drinking tea and reading murder mysteries with her pet beetle.
Kyle
Kyle is known for getting into bar fights and has never owned a pair of shoes.
Pablo
Pablo used to play the lead in Hamilton before the pandemic and has level 5 dance skills.
Daryl
Daryl is the first openly-transgender Mail Snail. She used to work in a salt-free bagel shop and enjoys picking flowers.
George
George lives with his mother.
Elizabeth
Elizabeth had a previous career in the adult film industry and once convinced an entire species of ants to use her poop as currency.